down in the dumps

I have no friends (locally). This is an everyday fact of life, but every once in a while it hits me, hard. Of course this isn't a unique time in my life, I've often gone through periods of not having friends (lots of school switching when I was younger), but at least at all those previous times I was in constant contact with lots of different people. So even if I wasn't "friends" with any of them, I was forced into social situations.

My inability to make friends is a large reason why I hated Cornell for the first semester. Everyone around me had formed cliques, and even had cute little names for the cliques (and each other). They had designated group activities (tv watching, lunch, movie night, fancy dinner night, etc...) I wasn't doing well in classes and I had no one to talk to. If my grades had been better, I would've transferred to a different school, but given that they weren't so stellar, anywhere I went would've been a step down academically, so I had no choice but to stick with Cornell. Fortunately, things ended up working out, but there were lots of rough times.

I'm not at all outgoing. Making friends is very difficult for me. I really don't put any "effort" into finding friends. I don't go to bars or clubs or social events for the sake of meeting people. In fact, I hate going to such events unless I already know people there, which creates a vicious circle of loneliness. But I'd like to think that given the opportunity, I'm very nice to people. It's just that there aren't any opportunities. If I get indirectly invited to a social event (party of a friend of a friend) I would feel really lonely and sad standing in a corner all by myself, but I would feel equally as depressed staying home. There's just no winning with me. I happen to think I'm pretty funny and witty, but I can't really be "myself" with new people b/c I'm not sure what would offend them. So making friends is a slow, and very rare process.

I love Alex, and hanging out with him is great. Then there are my co-workers, who are all very nice and friendly, but hardly friends. There's only 3 of them, and I try to keep it professional. I took a class last semester, but most of the ppl there were undergrads, and class is hardly a place to socialize. I know people at Chabad, but spending 3 hours a week together over dinner leaves little time to really get to know them. So that sums up my social exposure over the last 6 months. I have absolutely no one to call up to go to a movie, or shopping, or meet for lunch, etc... Pretty pathetic. And now I'm totally bummed.

I'm almost tempted to put an ad on Craigslist for a friend. They have a section in the personals called "strictly platonic." There are always ppl looking for someone to go to a movie with, jog with, go to a museum exhibit; people who are new in town looking to meet others, gay guys looking for "fag hags" (their words, not mine), etc... Some of the posts are a bit sketchy but I think the majority are genuine. There's a totally different section for sketchy encounters which attracts the freaks.

Hopefully, if I end up back in school this September, I'll have an opportunity to make new friends. It'll be a small group (10 people, 99% female), and we'll be in the same classes, study together, etc... I'm sure it'll still take me a while to consider any of them good friends, but at least there's a possibility. Of course this is all IF I go to school. In either case, September is another 6 months away. What do I do till then?

:(